Depression has taken many things from me over the last decade and a half. The toll is almost immeasurable, but part of getting better for me entails making sense of what I’ve lost.
I’ve lost a career path that truthfully wasn’t a bright, shining path to begin with, but it is gone now nonetheless. I’ve had trouble holding a job for longer than 6 months and I am trapped in a perpetual cycle of hunting for the next one.
I’ve lost friendships due to my isolation. That is what I do when I get depressed- isolate and shut down. As a result, long-term friendships have gone by the wayside as I’ve descended into deep bouts of depression.
I’ve lost money. It’s only money, but I’ve spent it on things I mistakenly thought might make me happy. Depression tricks you into thinking that things can make you happy and they truly cannot. All you really get is more debt and now I have plenty of it.
I’ve lost the chance to do something good for others. You can’t volunteer from a bed…good intentions squashed by depression.
I’ve lost my religion. Being so depressed and anxious has made going to synagogue an impossible dream. I simply haven’t been able to join the community and that is no way to worship for a Jew.
I’ve lost self-respect and self-esteem because nothing lies to you more than a deep depression. It tells you that you are worthless and a complete failure at everything that you try. You learn to look through the mirror because you can’t stand your own reflection.
I’ve lost closeness with my family. Lying in bed, depressed and anxious and praying it would end, I missed the opportunity to connect more with my wife and kids. My daughter just left for college, but I thankfully still have time with my 10th grader.
What I Can Do About it All Now
The good news is that I can still regain most of the things I’ve lost by trying to focus on getting better. As I get stronger, I can reach out and do the things I missed out on for so many years. …There is hope.
Writing and Photography by Jeff E. Brown 