“You asked if I’m feeling any better and the answer is no. Nowhere to go but up, they say, but it’s not any comfort to me. It is not that I want to die so much as I don’t want to live. Living is dread and pain and letting people down. Hour after hour. I know this is hard for you to hear and that you can’t empathize with any of this. I don’t expect you to. Really.”
“I’ve gotten worse as I’ve aged and it’s not like I haven’t tried to get better. But what I’ve come to accept is that I am not going to find any happiness in life. We’re not guaranteed pleasure or joy and no matter how hard I’ve looked I simply can’t find it. Maybe it’s genetics or fate-I don’t know the root of it, just the blunt reality that I live with. I am in a state beyond misery. I don’t care about anything any more. I don’t want to wake up when I close my eyes. I want to fade away.”
© 2021 Jeff E. Brown. All rights reserved.
Writing and Photography by Jeff E. Brown 
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